Jesus the Bridegroom, King, Judge

Yeshua has been opening my eyes in the place of prayer - He is showing me a greater depth of who He is. The longer I walk with Jesus the more I begin to see my blindness, how little I truly "know" my Shepherd.

What I own and know deep inside me is that His love is better than life. This truth the Holy Spirit sunk into my heart the summer I went to Nepal as a 14 year old. The daily worship times we had on the rooftop of our geusthouse were furnaces of encounter with the love of the Father. I remember those evenings under the starry Nepali sky, singing over the city and feelings God's manifest presence so intensly I felt like my heart would explode. I knew He loved me, and this truth sunk deep into the core of my being. This love trumped anything else this life had to offer, and solidified the faith I was raised in. It set me on the path I'm on today by God's grace.

Since then however life's trials and seasons of pain left me with nagging questions about God. I "knew" deep unto deep that His love was better than life, and this truth bound me to Him - but I didnt understand why He allowed difficulty and pain - after all He had won my heart with the sweetness of His presence and the glory of His beauty in Nepal. In college while training for missions I spent 16 months in Cambodia. The poverty, idol worship, human trafficking and spiritual oppression I faced there every day crushed my heart. It opened up deep seated questions about God's goodness, nearness, and justice. I was still with Jesus when I fly back stateside, but I didnt know how to settle the questions that pain had risen. Where was God to answer the pain of this present darkness across the earth?

Since then God's taken me on a journey of seeing a whole new "face" of Jesus. I have been introduced to a Bridegroom, a Judge, and a coming King. When I was in Cambodia the only "heart-truth" I had to offer the people was "Jesus is beautiful, worthy of your worship, and His love is better than life." That message was flowing out of me because it was deep inside me. Now I have a new truth flowing within - God's introduced Himself to me as the jealous Husband, the just Judge, and the coming King!

Since Cambodia, I began to study endtimes and the hope of Jesus' soon second coming, and I realized this King is coming back to restore! Every day when I faced atrocities in Cambodia the devil whispered that God was far off and negligent. I say no! He is not far off, and has not turned a blind eye or deafened his ears! He is near! I realized the reason why the earth remains unjust and people are still doing horrible things to each other is because of the mercy of God - He is giving them time to repent! I do not confuse His patience with His approval or assume He is negligent! The cross alone states that God draws near. The second coming declares that there is a day set to bring an appointed end to darkness and destroy the works of evil.

The devils accusations against God in Cambodia also filtered into my interpretation of personal trials. But I say no! God is not untrue or lacking in goodness because I experience pain. I have learned to bring my pain to God and talk to Him about it instead of running from Him in offense or assuming He's abandoned me. I see the fiery trials in my own life through the light of a Bridegroom pursuing me. He doesnt just want a casual fling with me, He wants a committed Bride with wholehearted love. He will stop at nothing to have me, and share me with no other. He is using the least severe means to remove everything that hinders love. He allows trial to hedge me into Him, mature me, and purify me.

When I see Jesus as the jealous Bridegroom I realize He is also a just judge. The dignity through which He gazes at me fills me with the fear of the Lord and a hatred for sin.

I see each pain in my life as a doorway for His presence. He hates pain but He will use it if I allow Him to. Since these revelations dawned on me, I began to look back and "see" Jesus through each season of my life. Now I see His presence, a terrifying lion chasing me down; He was hunting me with fire in His eyes. I see Him rendering my heart crushed in His hands to sift out all the dross and pull forth the gold. I see Him leading me to Cambodia so I'd see the hopelessness in the present age, and cause me to yearn for His soon appearing. I see Him leading me into lonliness and disappointment in humans to raise my eyes to His face and trust Him to fill my heart. I see Him pushing me through the gauntlet of spiritual warfare so every unhealed part of my heart would be exposed and named, laid before the cross, and healed. I see Him leading me through darkness that I'd see Him as my light. I see Him jealously desiring me day after day and loving me relentlessly. I see Him leading me to the end of my self reliance so I'd realize I was only designed to trust Him and walk knit into Him. He is a jealous God!

Amidst the trials I see threads of goodness woven through and I stand in awe of His patience and preservation while He led me to repentance. Truly our God is an all consuming fire - merciful and just.

When we dont really know what God is like, we will cling to one of His attributes and accuse Him when our experiences dont seem to line up. However, God is who He always has been and always will be - unchanging, and unfashioned by human thought. He is higher than our experiences. If we are offended by our pain or the pain around Him than we are probably not bringing our pain to Him and allowing Him to interpret and heal it - and reveal who He is in the midst of that darkness. God is true to who He is all the time, He never suspends one facet of Himself to extend another - He is merciful, kind, good, and sweet - but also He is the fiery judge and jealous bridegroom. I am grateful to begin to "see" Him more clearly!

Nepal - one year ago!

It was but a year ago I was just finishing up my "Servant Team" - 4 months in the beloved nation of Nepal. (a tiny country nestled between India and China, surrounded by the beautiful Himalyan mt.s)

I climed up to the top of the world and witnessed the beauty of God from the roof of the earth. I stood on rooftops in the Katmandu valley and read Revelation alloud, prophecying the soon return of King Jesus.

I wore out my shoes trekking, and lived with the poor, learning the ways of simplicty by entering into their needs....
I volunteered at a government run orphanage for abandoned children, spending time in one of the baby rooms. Mostly I just held little boys and girls, cradling them and praying scripture over them...

I had my heart wretched and broken a thousand times holding these precious little ones....

Each little face is permanently etched on my memory... and it was these experiences that God used to inspire a future commitment to adopt.

The Lord also used my time at the orphanage to reveal HIS heart to me on a deeper level as well. I found myself pondering Jesus, the express image of the Father. Jesus did not leave us as orphans, but came to us through the cross. He did everything to reconcile us into the Father's love and adopt us into Sonship. He transferred us out of the dominion of darkness and into His kingdom of light, redeeming us and forgiving us of our sins. In that way, I see myself in the orphan - I was once lost and apart from the Father and Christ has redeemed me so I can be adopted into His love.

I pray for the spirit of adoption and Sonship to be revealed in and through my heart more and more!

The Cross

I have been meditating on the cross. Isaiah 53 describes that He took not only the just penalty for my sins, but He also "born my griefs and carried my sorrows." Yes He took even the sins committed against me, all my pain. He was crushed, He was wounded, He bore stripes, that upon my entering into Him I may be healed. He has cast down and disarmed all principalities by the cross, and overcome death, sin, and satan. He went down into Hades and snatched the keys to my soul from the enemy forever! He fulfilled the covenant on my behalf, He gave His own life and shed His own blood to fulfill the covenant I broke. He broke down every dividing wall of hostility in His own flesh, to reconcile me unto God, to wash me and bring me into union with Him as His pure spotless Bride.

In His own frame, He bore all my sin, sorrows, and death. He chose it. The more I meditate on what He has done at the cross, the quicker I am to yield every barrier in my heart to His love, unto the cross, that I may be brought into wholehearted agreement with Him. I pray daily for the Holy Spirit to cause me to love Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, forever....

He desires me, He pursued me unto death. He wants me and will stop at nothing that we may be unified. Truly, Jesus LOVES me. I believe and receive His love!!!!

He is a real person, the God-Man forever. A man I will meet face to face, gaze into His eyes, and with all the church, we will be united to Him forever as His beloved wife. We will dwell in the home He's prepared for us, the new Jerusalem, in His kingdom when He brings heaven to earth in the next age.... O hasten the day!

from my fav coffeeshop in KC....

Wow..... long time no update peeps! Sorry about that.....

This spring has been one of the most wonderful seasons of my life. In summary, I have loved KC and fallen deeper and deeper in love with Jesus, more than ever before.

After an extended fast/silence the Lord opened the eyes of my heart and I had an encounter with Jesus one night in February, that changed me forever. I saw Jesus, the Bridegroom. God told me that before that I had only known Him as Father - His caring nurturing love that grew me up and called me forth, but I had never known the love of Jesus, the Lover, Pursuer, and the one who is coming back for His bride. When I saw Him, we looked one another in the eyes, and then I realized I had never understood love. No human relation can compare to what I saw in His face and eyes, the burning fire. I saw who I was in His eyes, I was a gem in His hands, one who was always kept, one wholly His. I saw His jealousy over my life and that He always protected me even in darkness and trial. I knew His blood had truly washed me and there was no veil of shame between us - I looked Him straight in the eyes. No words seem enough, no words are able, but I was changed forever... and just that one glimpse of the man Im going to marry has set my heart forever to enter into this covenant, to which I am now betrothed. I dont just want a glimpse, I want to walk with him and be one with Him forever, in His holy city the new Jerusalem.

I also had a revelation that I will always be His. That was a process this spring and I cant articulate it, but I have utterly been ruined and utterly been marked. I now know deep within me, not just in my head, that I will always be His, never fall away, never be taken from Him, never go back. The same grace that purchased me, has kept and will keep me into the end. Its grace, its mercy, its His inititive to pursue me unto death, to have me even before I wanted Him. It was Him that saved me, it was Him that kept me, and all because He wants me, delights in me, and its written inside me now, and can never be taken.

I had a dream the past week where Jesus came to me and told me this again. I remember no face or form in the dream but I know His voice, from the indwelling Holy Spirit - and He said I'd always be His, my hearts been given and He'll never give it back it let it go. Its done. Im sealed.

The sr. retreat my class had from BCOM, I remember my friend Lydia giving me a word that the Lord had, "done a work in me that could never be undone." Similar to that was a a friend of mine had when praying for me - he's a blacksmith and he said he had a picture of a peice of pipe that had been through some much heat and pressure that I had been formed toward the Lord in such a fashion that i could never bend any other way, the pressure had strengthened and hardened me in heat to be utterly towards Him forever. I am finally at the place in my spirit where I KNOW this by revelation, not just in my head. Its true, I am sealed unto the day of the Lord! He keeps me until the end.

Aside from these inner wonders, life itself has been a joy and I've had a glorious time here.
I go to a tiny church inner city called the Prayer Dome - its pretty much all black, and I believe it is the place through which the Lord will fulfill His word to send revival to inner city, KC.
Every monday night I also attend ihop's inner city ministry called "Hope City" where we have a worship service with the poor and eat together. That has weekly been a highlight and Ive met so many wonderful people. Sunday afternoons I attend a tiny home-church like group from some of the key families at the PrayerDome. It's called "fellowship" and we share a meal, pray, and read in the word. Most of them are aged seasoned prophets and listening to how they hear the Lord, their dreams, and what they are learning has raised me up more in my giftings and as an intercessor.

Well this has been quite the long update so Ill peace out. thank you dear readers!

Ranting

O and this is a totally different topic than my last post (which was written this evening...)

but i would like to say that living inner city KC my eyes have been opened. racism still exists. poverty exists in America just as much as in India or Cambodia. drive down one street and for a few blocks its all ritsy white folk and their picket fences, vans and nice big garages...meander a bit and you'll arive to see colored faces in slumlike homes, broken vehicles propped up on jacks and trash littering the sidewalks. Why are we still separated? Lets not fool ourselves into thinking we've gotten over it when the civil war ended, or because Obama's in the office. Jesus alone is the answer to this hatred, division, and prejudice. For in Galatians it says that at the cross He bore every dividing wall of hostility, so reconciling us unto God, as ONE in Him. Im not talking about that spirit of the antichrist, "lets all hold hands and make peace" crap, i just deeply and terribly ache for the day when Christ will return. When He does those who bear his name, alone, will stand. and in His kingdom, we will all be one in His body.

Kimmy walks hours to the soup kitchen in sweats and keds. She hangs out with ex-cons and eats nasty food, and takes the bus. why i am so honored to live with someone as christ like as her, is beyond me, but i am truly honored. maybe someday soon she'll let me come along. (apparently im too rich looking and have no streetsences and would get eaten alive.) i geuss i would be kind of awkward hanging out with pimps but i really would try my best! i will wear sweatpants if i have to! i just want to be like Jesus. i need some serious help, Holy Spirit, help me! I want to "see" things as they are. i want to love. i need annointing i dont have. i think i need to spend some more time in prayer...

SILENCE

Silence.

A new form of fasting and contemplation I have had the priveledge of practicing of late; it has taught me a great deal. What a great gift!

My sences are awakened in long-practiced silence. Ceasing verbal chatter can guide one's inner life into agreement with Jesus, which stirs a new ability to enter back into the outer life with clarity and joy.

I feel like my sences are truly awakened while my lips are sealed. Gazing out my window at the snowflakes soundlessly alighting on the rooftop shingles, causes my soul to leap for joy! I am finally quiet enough to begin to "hear" the speech Creation pours forth. The song of nature is becoming a symphony which astounds me. I love the chatter of sparrows on the powerlines. I am comforted by the rustle of leaves in the trees. Equally as awe inspiring is nature's silence. Have you ever sat without a word in a dusty dull afternoon sunbeam?

This silence has brought great rest to my soul. I do believe I was designed to BE in inner quietness. Yet living in a world careening into a godless chaos- i scarcely know how to quiet my being before my Maker.

In evenings now I like to just sit before a lone candle, listening to the hail or rain tapping the roof, and the wind rattling the windowpanes. I fix my heart, not to waste the inner life looking at self but upon the face of Christ. I am waiting for Him to speak, asking Him to teach me to LISTEN.

Sometimes I sing a hymn or two, I've taken up the Baptist Hymnal in great delight. Truly it is a weapon of righteousness, and feels like getting back to my roots! Singing words is different than speaking words for some reason.
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If out of the heart the mouth speaks, than in silence I face my heart with the Holy Spirit.

The things that emmerge are at times frightful, but for believers there is always a place for it all to die - the cross. I am learning to quickly yield each fear, anxiety, unrest, fleshly thing or wasted wandering thought. I am dying to my complaining, dying to all foolish, silly, and godless talk. Id rather be like Samuel whom, the Lord let not one of his words fall to the ground.

I would rather speak ten words annointed in the testimony of Jesus, than fill a day with my pointless chatter. The full strength of my personality was not meant for selfish gain - to have people laugh at my jokes or admire my stories; rather my speech should only be a witness deflecting glory unto Christ.

In silence I am learning to die to my selfishness. When I cant talk to my roommate, and we are driving in the car, I must learn to listen. Its nausiating to admit but Ive discovered how focused I am on my own desire to share than genuine interest in the other's heart. Its frightful to catch one's self in conversation, busy formulating mentally the next verbal responce rather than quietly focusing on the other's words to actually listen and HEAR.

Jesus listened. He listened first to the Father. He was in constant communion with His Abba, and He only spoke what He "heard." None of His speech was unto Himself or His gain or purpose. And He genuinly listened to OTHERS. He sat with them. He gazed beyond the lattice of their words to the heart behind the conversation. He saw the very person before Him and reached out to love them and call them into truth. This was why countless chronicles of His conversations are Him shocking hearers by unveiling the secrets of their hearts, or cutting to the core issue behind their questions or statements. He knew how to listen, He looked to the heart. He also practiced silence. He was like a lamb, silent, before accusers. He did not defend Himself.

I believe silence will be a form of fasting I am called to practice regularly the rest of my life. It has countless benefits and will bear much fruit, but only if done in the power of the Holy Spirit. Silence in of itself cannot do a thing for me, just as fasting from food cant do a thing apart from the Holy Spirit -its just a means to and end, that end being the work of the Holy Spirit.

Truly Ive already "spoken" to much here. I'll close off. Blessings dear friends!

"the love of many will grow cold..."

He's coming soon.
love of many is waning cold. I see the capacity for it myself, even surrounded in a prayer community and having thrown my life away for the sake of prayer.

Just as a cup of coffee on the counter quickly cools, so our hearts grow cold unless placed before the FIRE of His Word and love, continuously.
We are stuffing ourselves - numbing - temporal distractions of life, and the pursuits of our flesh and pleasures, silencing the cry we were created with -to touch the very fires of God's heart. To hear His voice. To see Him face to face and behold His glory and beauty.

One day if this is what we will step into for eternity- worship - while also "ruling and reigning" with Him, carrying out His kingdom... why do we live now as if He doesnt exist and isnt coming? If eating, sleeping, and existing is all there is, I was made for nought... O! I am not like a stone upon the ground or like the birds of the air, I am soul and body and I was created for union with the unCreated, God.

I want my heart to be cut - clean from all that binds it, let the margins of waste and pleasures be cut off of my life. Let the flesh be crucified. I want instead to be filled to the fullness with God.

i want to be filled with the fire of His love.
He's light, He's love - He's fire. Jealous, burning, love.
Expand my heart God, and give me revelation of Your love, I want all of it.
Tear open my heart and widen my capacity to understand and truly carry revelation of the heart of God and face of Jesus.

In Christ, every command of God has become a promise, a prophecy, fulfilled through the indwelling Christ if we choose to walk Him out by faith - so yes God, I agree with the words of Your Son - I SHALL LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, SOUL, MIND, AND STRENGTH!